In which I flounce

[epilonious]

In Internet jargon, there is a phenomenon known as "flouncing." The flouncer is never content to simply leave a message board or discussion forum he finds disagreeable; he must conspicuously announce that he is leaving, detail the inadequacies of the other posters, bemoan the cruel treatment he has received, and, likely as not, sneak back to check the reactions to his flounce. Usually these reactions boil down to "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

I think I am about to take an indefinite break from the S.E. DDR community.

1. I'm not having fun.

I barely play, I haven't gotten better, I've watched about 7 people go from "Hey how do I play this Dance Dance Revolveolution thing" to "dude, I totally just got a flag on disconnected disco" within the course of a year. After yet-another emotionally torrid weekend where I had spent 60 hours awake, 14 of them driving, rounding off 52,000 miles on a 2-year-old car. I came away feeling like I had been a ghost who had been asked "but where are your cookies" about 40 times. I shouldn't have to brace myself for the experience sucking if I can't manage to take some of my Atlanta friends with me. In fact, I should have probably stayed home and hung out with my Atlanta friends.

2. What Atlanta community?

When I moved here, I basically got to see ATL die. Veggie, Fiber, Sk1p, Mole, Pyrona, Sushi, Ketchup all pretty much started to succumb to "a little too old for this shit" syndrome and move on about a year after I got here. There have been attempts at revivals... hell, I'm a moderator on AtlantaBemani.org.. but the fact that ATL seems to have about 15 extreme machines that if you bundeled all the parts would make about 3 actually good machines... one ITG 2 40 miles away that sits in what is essentially a Dave-n-Busters with more drunk people... makes prospects a little disheartening. I haven't been good to my own community, I feel like I have lost a passion for the game and the types of people who play, and most of the interactions I get with the people I liked are through the emotionless, tactless internet.

3. I feel invisible.

I used to get random IMs and PMs and LJ comments all the time from new people who were interested in what I had to say. People used to be interested in more than my cookies. I spent that entire first night of RMT6 in Josh's kitchen making cookies and I think the most interesting thing anyone ever said to me was that they thought my real name was "Shane". I feel thoroughly uninteresting, uninvolved, unloved. I have a few nice moments with Ava and Kendo and such... but it's more than off-put by the fact that no-one seems to want to get me involved in anything more. My prime thought is Bacherelli at the Sonic... I am upset I never got included in the original game in the first place, but I know how petty and stupid that is so I instead channel it into "maybe you should let all the nice readers know how the hell this game is actually played, Mike" uber-bitchy posts in Mike's Bacherelli thread. The only time Josh ever talks to me anymore is when I hint that maybe saying stuff like "Supernova sucks already" and "Wow, my friends from Columbus/Illinois who like to be tremendous jackasses just for the hell of it are the best thing ever" was, in fact, a really bad idea. Thus when we do talk, the exchanges are none too pleasant.


4. I'm not nice anymore, at least I don't feel nice

I've had about three people from the Carolina's I considered my biggest DDR friends call me an asshole (in so many words) over the past couple of months. It hurts a lot, they never stick around to discuss why they think I am being an asshole beyond their original tirades, they don't acknowlege any of the points I make that makes them think I am "just being an asshole". Otherwise, I agreed with them, I do think I am becoming quite the asshole. I found myself typing up at least 4 flame posts in my head DURING the tourney about how I think the freestyle was horribly run, how Josh was mean to me, other stupid shit I used to be able to brush off. I don't feel like the cool gay guy anymore. I feel like i'm turning into a boorish, insufferable faggot. Worse, an attention-whore boorish insufferable faggot who no-one should really stick around and talk to because that'd just encourage him.

5. Discoman got the nominations for S.E. moderator and I don't think I was even considered.

Yes, this is the petty straw that broke the back of my cameltoe. That really made me feel like little more than a too-old-school player who had overstayed his only-able-to-AA-35-songs never-gave-us-that-drag-freestyle-he-promised welcome. I thought I had credentials (I run a PHPBB board of my own so I'd be pretty swift with a Point/pm/site-suggestion), most everyone thought I was nice, I had been around a long time and would be able to tell a simple parody thread started by a regular from random h8tery). But at the same time, I look at points 3 and 4 and realize why I was completely passed over. I'd probably just become a second IguannaGrrl because I agreed with her tactics ("no, these are the rules, and I'm sick of having to deal with your whining or special circumstances *points points points* *ban ban ban*") , and that is exactly the type of mod that SE doesn't need.

And SE doesn't need me either.

I dunno everyone. It was a pretty good run but I'm just feeling burned the fuck out and, as Ava phrased it, I'm getting too old for this bullshit. I no longer like the person I am when I post on DDR freak, and I feel like I've taken up too many causes that cause me to break down and fire up the unsympathetic h8 machine. Maybe after I get back in to the actual game I'll be able to start participating on a real DDR level and no longer feel the need to blast random people for stupid shit that seems important to me at the time. Until then feel free to hit me up to chat, I just will be avoiding DDRfreak for a while and will refrain from commenting on any DDR related news or drama I see in my friendslist.

[darksyde]

I had to register a name just to comment. That seems obnoxious already.

1. If you are not having fun because you are not getting better but also state that you rarely play, I don't have a lot of sympathy. People get really good fast nowadays because ITG is so much harder. I'm sorry that RMt6 was miserable for you, though I think your being asked for cookies was of your own fault because it's you who hype them so much.

2. I'm sorry this happened but sometimes it's just inevitable.

3. Like you said, you spent the entire first night of RMt6 making cookies. Nobody made make you cookies, in fact you even had me go out and buy butter and chocolate chips for you. You seemed perfectly happy in there, and nobody was going to disturb you. Bacherelli is a self inclusive game. Anyone may enter the game at anytime, but no one is ever taught the rules of bacherelli. It's a learning experience, and you get better at it as you play. I rarely talk to you because you rarely IM me with anything to talk about, hence why most of our discussions are actually arguments when you decide to make the aforementioned points.

4. If you are not nice, and do not feel nice, then you probably haven't been very nice. I generally only really see you post to make argumentative points, or playful gay passes. And that's really it. I'm sorry you felt freestyle was horribly run, no one said a word to me about it. I announced contestants in the order which was requested to me by them, and my freestyle judges gave me the winners. It was as simple as that. No one thinks you're a boorish faggot except for yourself. This really seems self pitying rather than trying to continue to remake your image or revive your image in the SE.

5. You are absolutely right. I never once even thought of you as a possibility for an SE mod. You are generally argumentative with people, and get involved in pointless arguments if something offends you. Besides, didn't you say in one of your earlier points that you hadn't been good to your community? That you hadn't really been involved? That you lost a passion for the game? This is why I nominated John instead of you.

I hate to see you guy being that you definitely have your moments, and you are a really interesting person, but if this is how you feel, then so be it. I just thought I would clear somethings up for you before you left.

Later buddy.

[Discoman Returns]

1. I'm not having fun.

2. What Atlanta community?

3. I feel invisible.

4. I'm not nice anymore, at least I don't feel nice

5. Discoman got the nominations for S.E. moderator and I don't think I was even considered.

1. I can understand that. Not too much to say here.

2. Agreed and disagreed. Sure, the ATL community that you know is withered up, but there are still people in the area that play, and know each other, etc. Atlantabemani.org is still somewhat buzzy for a single-town community. We're no NC or SC, though. And tygerstyle.net is buzzy, but that's pretty much all of florida.

3. Athens still loves you (that's myself and Wert essentially), even though you're pulling this little deal. EDIT: Let me clarify that. We love you for who you are, not because you drove us up to RMT and FFFAT, not because you made cookies, not even because you're gay, which is, depending on the person, either a neutral point or a positive point. We love you because of who you are as a person. And yes, I think you've changed a lot since FFFAT, but I think you're an ok guy. This isn't a plead to stay, though; you need to do what's best for you.

4. Yeah, I think you've been on your period for too many weeks now, but honestly, it happens to everyone. Take a break.

5. I really can't say anything about this, because anything I say will come across wrong.

In short: Snake, if you're too tired, take a rest (MGS3 speak for save and quit) and come back later.

-D

(I would have posted on my other account, which I was surprised to find was #3 joined, but it was inactive due to...inactivity, I suppose.)

[Ava Adore]

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH JOHN USED A METAL GEAR SOLID QUOTE BEFORE ME AND THAT ISN'T RIGHT ARGDKNVAPEGHEPGN.



I am going to reply when I return from aerobics.

I don't want you to leave, that's for sure, and poo on those who are being dicks to you (and I'd like to think you haven't been a dick to anyone without just cause). I just had to say that.

<3

[Discoman Returns]

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH JOHN USED A METAL GEAR SOLID QUOTE BEFORE ME AND THAT ISN'T RIGHT ARGDKNVAPEGHEPGN.

I quote MGS 1-3 and some of MG1 and rarely MG2 (not snake's revenge) often, just not on the internets. I may not be as big a fan as you, but omg i love my Metal Gear series.

[Discoman]

That guy sounded like a dick, but he meant it in a loving way, the kind of loving way you talk to fellow MG fans.

[epilonious]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Sorry I got all meloncholy, but I'd imagine that 3/4ths of my issues with DDR and DDRFreak as of late is that I kept having these pissy thoughts (#1-4) running through my head for the last week and #5 just made me want to scream. #5 was so Petty and Envious that I was surprised it seemed to keep circling my brain. I wanted to get them those thoughts out on digital paper in front of my eyes so I could just sort of explain that I wanted to step-back lest I become a massive asshole to a lot of people.

First to darksyde: I'm sorry if you thought I was trying to blame you in any way for my need to step back from SE DDRFreak. The tone of your reply has a large amount of pre-emptive CYB (Covor Your Butt)... and seems to summarize to: "A reminder that Darksyde is in no way contributing to the reason Peter felt he needed to leave". And I completely agree that you really, in no way, were responsible for my feelings.

None of the above-listed reasons really involve you. You were doing benign things that make perfect sense and it was my reactions to them that were horrifying me. You were mentioned in my posts solely because you were heavily involved in orchestrating BHM6 (the most recent DDR thing I happened to attend) and thus were the main point of my interaction with the DDR community the whole time. It was not your responsibility to make me happy, I appreciate that you got me the cookie ingredients, and I think you are godly for being able to run what was essentially two tournies at once. I'd also like to re-iterate that when I was getting upset because "I thought freestyle was run incorrectly" and "Josh was mean to me"... I was upset by my own horribly flamey thoughts that were forming in my mind while I was at the tourney. The fact that I was having thoughts like that me bothered me. A lot. I felt like I was pre-emptively trying to pick a fight with you... and for a little bit the those sentiments were winning.. despite the fact that you ran freestyle just fine and weren't mean to me at all.

I have had thoughts like that before but I was usually able to dispatch them to being tired or cranky and they usually were never as vitriolic as I had experience on the 22nd. Thus, I considered them one of the five omens that I needed to step-back from SE DDR, if even for only a few hours... and add them to the list of things that had been bugging me on the digital page so I could see where those thoughts were coming from and how they fit into the general scheme of my disillusionment.

I also have had an epiphany about another pattern that has gotten me into trouble in the past: I considered you a great friend, and not just an acquaintance.

I once had this roomate in college who I thought was so cool and great and nifty and I couldn't get it through my thick skull that he didn't really feel the same way. By the end of it, he had moved out, and yelled at me. A lot. Considering the fact that most of our prior exchanges seemed to be me attempting to call you on shit and you replying with upset and unsympathetic replies ("I don't give a fuck what you think", "shut up") I think it's time for me to realize that we don't share any sort of emotional intimacy and I should no-longer comment on anything having to do with your life unless you give me a clear request. That being said, I can understand why you wouldn't consider me nice or think of me as a good candidate for SE DDR mod. I just hope you can understand that when I come back from a tourney going "I didn't have fun... nobody talked to me... all they wanted was my cookies... I was really mad at Josh for no good reason... I feel like an asshole... I hardly play anymore... I suck at this game... I'm not even good at getting ATL back together... I'm being mean to people..." over and over and over... and then having "nobody thinks I am good mod material" suddenly appear on the list with a vengeance... would make me want to purge my mind and warn people why I needed some space in order to stop being so cranky and crazy for a while.

Discoman Reruns: I know there are people in ATL that still play. I just feel like a shit for not ever hitting them up to, well play. I used to have tourneys and try and help meetups, and mod ATLBMNI, and I just sort of up and lost interest.

I'm not planning on bolting forevah. I was just feeling like I needed to step off for a bit. Also, since I have just reached binding agreement on a house, and Eric is about to Graduate college and is stressing out... I figured I should get this shit out of my head lest I come back like a raging bloody tampon and start a huge mess. The timing of things means that if I suddenly got sucked into house and eric comfort, I wouldn't have to explain my abscence over and over and over because everyone would be like "oh, he's not around, He is off to find the great Mydol of Hera lest he keep transforming into the great bitch-beast on a full moon"

Ava: Work it Girl! And I eagerly await your reply.

Discoman: OH my goodness there is another person with your name but he seems cool too. Thank goodness.

[Ava Adore]

1. I'm not having fun.

Peter my dear, you are just like me. You don't have fun just concentrating on scores. Remember a while ago when I got so frustrated with my progress? How I used to be this awesome standard player that got a lot of attention fairly quickly, only to struggle with heavy? I worried too much about how other people are doing that it began to make me hate my scores and how I played. I came so close to quitting because of sheer frustration. It also didn't help that I began my new job at the hospital, and it sucked up all the free time for DDR that I had before. I began having fun again with low heavy tournaments, and just playing for my personal acheivement.. not to compare with ANYONE else. Pity you aren't closer; I'd help you have fun!

I wish I had known that you were feeling so down this past weekend, or I would have gone out of my way to hang with you. Of course you are one of my favorite people, and I do cherish the times I do get to see you and chat with you. You are one of the few who are actually close to my age, so I feel that I can relate with you better on things. AND I didn't ask about your cookies at ALL (mostly because I couldn't enjoy them anyways).

2. What Atlanta community?

I know nothing about this, so I really don't have a comment.

3. I feel invisible.

Honestly, I am not the big AIM talker I used to be. If you really want to get me to talk to you, sadly, you have to IM me. It's not because I am antisocial or anything.. I just normally surt the internet or whatever, and I really don't pay attention to my buddy list.

I can kinda relate to the invisibilty thing. It seems sometimes in our darling community that the better you are at the game, the more attention you are going to get. I don't allow that to happen with me usually. I'm the type to go out of my way social just to chat or whatever. I'd like to think that the people that I have met through DDR genuinely like me for me and not for my skills (more like lack thereof).

4. I'm not nice anymore, at least I don't feel nice

Horseshit. You are one of the most genuinely nice people I've ever met, not to mention one of the first I EVER met (remember Columbia 2003? OH THE MEMORIES). I don't know who called you an asshole (I can only guess), but I would like to think that those individuals didn't realize just how harsh their words were. I don't think that you go out of your way to flame, on the contrary, I know you've done your best to avoid it.. unlike me.. who just doesn't give a fuck.I have to admit though that I've done my best lately to stop being bitchy a lot and just deal.

5. Discoman got the nominations for S.E. moderator and I don't think I was even considered.

Why even be bothered about this? I think the both of you would make great mods, and I've purposely stayed out of it on the SE threads because I don't want to potentially jilt someone because I say I support one person, but mention no one else, you know?

If you want to feel better, I haven't been nominated either. I've been around longer than some who've been nominated.. but I just don't care.

I mean really... do you WANT to mod DDRFreak? Think about it.

And SE doesn't need me either.

Bull. You've got a lot of people who've got love for you around here. As I said before, pity you don't live closer to Charlotte. I would actually enjoy hanging out with you! Plus, have you EVER heard of Charlotte having major drama? Nope. 'Cause we are smooth like that.

as Ava phrased it, I'm getting too old for this bullshit.

Oh you have no idea how I've thought about phasing out like some of my other friends have. And you know what... I slowly am. What keeps me around is that my friends in Charlotte still play and hang out at NX, so why not ITG or DDR? I still keep in contact with a lot of the peeps via LJ. I predict as soon as I start college in the fall.. I'll be fading. But I will still be available to those wonderful people that I met while playing a silly arcade game.

I mean, Star Wars: Trilogy NEVER got me friends like DDR did... and I am pretty fucking good at that game.

Just know that I do love you. You are one of the few of the many who I would really go out of my way to keep in contact. As much as I hate to say it.. I think I will lose contact with some of the people I chat with now. It's just like school, you know?

EDIT: I must be a moron because I can't figure out HOW I screwed up those quotes...

SneakyPsytonEdit: You have to click the "disable html in this post" box in order to have the specific quotes work. I have no idea why... otherwise, I just gots to make sure that the Ava keeps looking sexy in fable, song, and blogpost.

[Discoman]

Apparently specific quoting isn't working for me either; using generic non-named quotes works guaranteed instead of

I make cucumber and tomato sandwhiches, teehee! -p

sneakyPsytonEdit: You have to click "disable html in this post" for specific quotes to work . I don't know why but I do know how to make Billy the sandwhich artist speak.

[Discoman]

See, this is why I enjoy your company.

[epilonious]

Because I use sneakyPsytonEdits to make your characters talk?

[Discoman]

Yes.

I know not a lot of people read this, so I'm posting it here; it's my turn.

I'll be back.

[DietVanillaPepsi]

Wow, what crawled up that second guy's ("Darksyde") butt and died? Talk about cunty. Anyways, I wish you luck with whatever is going on, and I can't wait to see you (and Laura and Cheng and...) next week!